A thought on intentions

Sometimes it helps me to remember, when i feel wronged or attacked, that people do the best they can given the circumstance they are in and the skill set they possess. Maybe I'm foolish, hopefully it is just optimism, but I suspect that it is a rare occurrence for someone to set out with the true intent of emotionally wounding another person. Even if this is not true, I will continue to believe it, because I like to feel warm and open to letting new people into my life, rather than cold and distant.

Grad school sucks!

I generally think of myself as a "glass-half-full" type of person. At least, I'm optimistic more often than pessimistic, but grad school is sucking this positive world view out of me. And its making me fatter! In 2008 I had lost 26 pounds, and during the last year and half (grad school!) I've packed back on 15 of those pounds. I'm feeling fed up, and embarrassed. I'm unhealthy, uncomfortable and unmotivated. I'm sitting down to create a schedule to hopefully get back on track and create time for workouts. I feel like I need to have a sign around my neck that indicates my lack of self control, and cautions the general public from feeding me, or more generally, having food in their possession when around me.

I hate when people give tips like "you can do it" or "your not that fat" or "i'll be your workout buddy". sometimes....I just need to vent, get over my disordered relationship to both exercise and foods (specifically prepackaged hydrogenated, sugar and fat saturated food that I'm ADDICTED to), and do better. No one can encourage me toward that but myself. No one can want it for me buy myself. So...if you should hear me complain, please just acknowledge that its a struggle and a process and that most of us experience this issue at some time in life. No cures, no pep talks. Sometimes those of us who often exist as listeners just want to voice some of our own complaints.

That is all. thanks for reading.

hopefully i can report back to you as i get less fat and more healthy. hopefully...

doing it right

This has been my most mellow of new years eve 'celebrations' in years. I stayed at home with the dog and three cats. We watched bad tv and surfed the internet. Ate chicken, ben and jerry's and pringles for dinner, and drank a TON....of hot tea. I don't necessarily feel all lame and losery as you may think I feel. I'm quite a homebody, and I didn't want to go out. I felt no need to drink, or socialize really. Thats all the justification I'm going to give to my decision to stay in, because I don't want to start to sound like a shriveled up old person complaining about all the young whippersnappers out there partying it up.

Last year I went out with friends from school. Drank a TON....of beer, and was home and in bed by midnight. The year before that I went out, and drank a TON of vodka, was home and passed out before 11. The way I see it, this year is an improvement.

Heres to hoping that I can make some improvements in life decisions in this new year. Not a resolution....as I've really yet to put serious thought into things I ought or want to do differently/better. Suppose I can put some thought into it tomorrow...or the next day...or week. Or maybe, I'll just play it by ear. That sounds good. Sounds like a contender for the status of official "resolution".

This year I resolve to play it by ear. No, not really. My tinnitus throws my hearing off sometimes....its my least dependable sense these days ;-)

Heres hoping for a happy new year, for us all. (can mine at least be productive, if not happy?)

ready for the new year

while new years resolutions never pan out, i'm still looking forward to the new year. i'm looking forward to being done with the holiday feasting. pretty sure i've gained at least 5 pounds eating delicious junk....like cookies, cakes, candies, tamales.....and just TOO much in general. i've had a cold too for a few days that i'm ready to part with. and $100 to spend on myself for xmas. i'm actually having a hard time finding something i want to buy...maybe i should spend it on bills, but thats no fun.

i hope everyone had a great 2010. good luck with the resolutions and plans for change that often come with the start of a new year. be safe and have fun!

My favorite thing ever

My favorite thing ever is really simple, and occurs regularly. My favorite thing ever is new starts. As in, Mondays because they are the start of the week, the first of any month (they restore hope after four failed mondays), the start of a new season (after a failed month...), a new plan and new idea.....A new year. This is not a blog about a new years resolutions. Those never pan out....and I've fully accepted this, which is why I like all kinds of new beginnings, and I make resolutions to do things different all the time. I fail at fulfilling these resolutions all the time too, but...there is always another new start, so I remain hopeful.
  Tomorrow is a new start, and will (perhaps) be more productive than the last few days. And, if not...there is always next week....

Holiday Cheer!

  Oh how I love, love, love the holidays! The first indicator that the holidays are approaching is the end of Fall quarter at school. I recognize the end of the quarter because I stress over projects/papers/finals, and more notably, watch all the borrowed financial aid money diminish in my bank account. I enter into the holiday season broke and stressed, so the break from school is a welcome relief.
  Winter break is a lazy, unproductive time for me. Each and every year I tell myself "this break will be different. I will do x, y, and z". So far, I've done a little bit of x, and I'm toying with the idea of scratching y and z off the list entirely. We'll see... Well, I'll see, because I'm sure none of you care or are keeping tabs on me and my Winter Break productivity. I appreciate your willingness to give me my space; I require lots of space these days.
  The icing on the cake of Winter Break is the specific Christmas Festivities. As an atheist, I really rejoice in celebrating the birth of Christ....(or whatever), and revel in all the obligatory visits with family members. Its not that I don't love each and every member of my family, quirks and all, but sometimes its easier and preferable to love from a distance and through stories heard through the grapevine. Family gossip keeps me close enough to *some* relatives. (Of course, if you are a relative reading this, I don't mean YOU, you are my favorite) ;-)
  Christmas shopping is such a joy, right! What better way to show your family and friends that you love and appreciate them, than by buying them material goods they don't really NEED from department stores. Oh the gift of giving! This is a joy I have not been able to partake in for the last three years. Yes, for three solid years I have been so destitute that I have purchased ZERO Christmas gifts. This has turned me into a type of Scrooge. I fear that when (if ever) I have a steady job, and money, my dislike of Christmas will linger and then I'll be perceived as the cheap ass who doesn't give gifts, when really I'm just sour to the whole concept of a commercial Christmas.

  This blog is not meant to poo poo on anyone's Christmas joy. Just a rant, intended mostly to be amusing. My next blog will be positive....about my favorite thing ever. (really, truly....no sarcasm)

rain

  It has been raining for a few days. I appreciate the rain. I enjoy the rain. Somedays it makes me feel happier; somedays it provides a explanation for my feeling dysthymic and lethargic. I experience the rain as a pleasant release of stress and pent up emotions. I suppose exercise provides a similar experience, but sitting inside and listening to the rain is much easier than suiting up in running shoes and spandex and convincing yourself to pound out a few miles on a treadmill in a sweaty, germ infested gym. Point is, I like the rain.
  Today my car battery died in the rain. My pants were soaked in the rain. My feet were cold in the rain. My car was cleaned in the rain. My mind relaxed in the rain.
  I think I need to plan to move north after school ends. North enough to experience temperatures with a range larger than 77-100. Or maybe the range is fine, I just want to shift it downward....maybe 45-70. That would be nice.