It has just occurred to me that a possible source of my feelings ranging from "blah" to self-hate may originate in Saturday nights. I am on winter break for three weeks; any normal grad. student would be living it up to the fullest. My abnormal self is sitting at home checking email and facebook, and blogging. This is partially due to my lack of finances, but I suspect a big portion of it must be due to the fact that I am boring, and often not social.
I often vacillate between total contentment in my relatively unexciting and solitary existence, and near complete self-hate at feeling inept at life. For instance, a few moments ago I had a fleeting feeling of "boredom", and at the top of my list of activities to alleviate this boredom, was "time to get a puzzle out of the closet". Yes. Really. Truly.
I sometimes wonder if it would matter what I did with my free time. Maybe its more about personality or self-confidence. Are some of us simply predisposed to always ruminate on who/what we could/should be while simultaneously creating new methods of self degradation.
I often love myself, and have positive feelings about the person that I am. Tonight...it just isn't happening.
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