at first I thought it was irony...

but then I realized its merely a juxtaposition.

i'm always surprised when it hits. when you've pushed something/someone out of your mind so completely, that you are overcome by this memory that has found its way back. and the juxtaposition and comparing begin. and everything/everyone else pales in comparison.

and probably always will.

as French author Andre Gide reflected.... "nothing prevents happiness like the memory of happiness".

I'm not a linguist, or even a wordsmith, but....

Sometimes we need to trust our gut when using the English language. English is riddled with strange rules and exceptions, like "i before e, except after c", exceptions being ancient, atheist, feign, height, sufficient, society, glacier, deficient....the list goes on. Yet none of these words are inherently difficult to spell.

One thing that gets me every time is the misuse of words, and blatant fabrication of words. Specifically, I'm thinking of the common assumption that the root of conversation is conversate. REALLY people? Maybe it only seems apparent to some of us, but you do not "conversate" with some, you "converse" with them. Despite being used by intelligent individuals, and being in song lyrics, "conversate" is, in fact, NOT a word.

Other strange things in the English language:

the plural of box is boxes, but the plural of ox is oxen rather than oxes
mouse, mice, but house is not hice?
tooth, teeth, but not booth, beeth

some examples of strange pronunciation: (yet you'll probably read these sentence correctly....examples taken from www.vincentchow.net)

We had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
The dove dove into the bushes.
The dump had to refuse more refuse, as it was full.

A quote

"Temperance is simply a disposition of the mind which binds the passion"
 -Thomas Aquinas

from a proponent of natural theology, who outlined four cardinal virtues of prudence, temperance, justice and fortitude.

Tinnitus

Tinnitus is a horrible, horrible thing. Not horrible like something that makes life not worth living, but horrible like.... getting a gigantic blister while wearing a new pair of shoes, feeling relief when you take them off once you get home, but having to put them back on the next day and experience the blister all over again.

This ringing wont go away. Its frustrating me to the point of tears. I have a friend who likes to tell me to "knock it off" because he claims that "everyone has ringing in their ears". I'm sure if everyone had AIDs it wouldn't make dying from it any better. If everyone has diarrhea that doesn't make shitting yourself any fun!

Oh how I long for the peace and quiet I used to experience before this tinnitus bullshit.

The real pisser is that I'm pretty sure I got this working a minimum wage job I was/am WAY over qualified for, at which I earned a grand total of $4,000. If the small business owner could have just splurged on BETTER EQUIPMENT i could still enjoy my peace and quiet.

*SIGH*.....

A thought on intentions

Sometimes it helps me to remember, when i feel wronged or attacked, that people do the best they can given the circumstance they are in and the skill set they possess. Maybe I'm foolish, hopefully it is just optimism, but I suspect that it is a rare occurrence for someone to set out with the true intent of emotionally wounding another person. Even if this is not true, I will continue to believe it, because I like to feel warm and open to letting new people into my life, rather than cold and distant.

Grad school sucks!

I generally think of myself as a "glass-half-full" type of person. At least, I'm optimistic more often than pessimistic, but grad school is sucking this positive world view out of me. And its making me fatter! In 2008 I had lost 26 pounds, and during the last year and half (grad school!) I've packed back on 15 of those pounds. I'm feeling fed up, and embarrassed. I'm unhealthy, uncomfortable and unmotivated. I'm sitting down to create a schedule to hopefully get back on track and create time for workouts. I feel like I need to have a sign around my neck that indicates my lack of self control, and cautions the general public from feeding me, or more generally, having food in their possession when around me.

I hate when people give tips like "you can do it" or "your not that fat" or "i'll be your workout buddy". sometimes....I just need to vent, get over my disordered relationship to both exercise and foods (specifically prepackaged hydrogenated, sugar and fat saturated food that I'm ADDICTED to), and do better. No one can encourage me toward that but myself. No one can want it for me buy myself. So...if you should hear me complain, please just acknowledge that its a struggle and a process and that most of us experience this issue at some time in life. No cures, no pep talks. Sometimes those of us who often exist as listeners just want to voice some of our own complaints.

That is all. thanks for reading.

hopefully i can report back to you as i get less fat and more healthy. hopefully...

doing it right

This has been my most mellow of new years eve 'celebrations' in years. I stayed at home with the dog and three cats. We watched bad tv and surfed the internet. Ate chicken, ben and jerry's and pringles for dinner, and drank a TON....of hot tea. I don't necessarily feel all lame and losery as you may think I feel. I'm quite a homebody, and I didn't want to go out. I felt no need to drink, or socialize really. Thats all the justification I'm going to give to my decision to stay in, because I don't want to start to sound like a shriveled up old person complaining about all the young whippersnappers out there partying it up.

Last year I went out with friends from school. Drank a TON....of beer, and was home and in bed by midnight. The year before that I went out, and drank a TON of vodka, was home and passed out before 11. The way I see it, this year is an improvement.

Heres to hoping that I can make some improvements in life decisions in this new year. Not a resolution....as I've really yet to put serious thought into things I ought or want to do differently/better. Suppose I can put some thought into it tomorrow...or the next day...or week. Or maybe, I'll just play it by ear. That sounds good. Sounds like a contender for the status of official "resolution".

This year I resolve to play it by ear. No, not really. My tinnitus throws my hearing off sometimes....its my least dependable sense these days ;-)

Heres hoping for a happy new year, for us all. (can mine at least be productive, if not happy?)